I dated “I’m Super Best Friends with my Ex-Girlfriend” Guy
I have a pretty low tolerance for bullshit. I can suss it out quickly, smack it upside the head and send it back to its momma fast.
So HOW did I end up dating a guy who was Super Best Friends Forever with his Ex-Girlfriend?
Let me humor you a minute.
Introduced by mutual friends, PG and I hit it off right away. He was funny, charming, had a good job and was interesting. He was smart, too. Smart trumps stupid any day, as we know. Also, he had kick ass taste in music (probably the only good takeaway from this entire situation). My musical palette grew, thanks to him.
On our first “date” (yes, I am using quotation marks because sometimes, the first time you hang out with a guy, you’re not exactly sure if it is just a hang out or a “date-date”) when things were going well and the conversation was flowing, he started dropping A’s name. It would be in a nonchalant comment, such as, “A and I were having a laugh about xyz,” and I thought it was funny, too, so I’d laugh right along with him. The more we hung out thought I started to notice the frequent name-dropping of A. He told me that A was his best friend and I thought, “Oh, a woman best friend, that’s neat.” He also added that she was married to B and she and B had a child together. I thought, “Cool beans.”
Until he started talking about her constantly.
You see, they also worked together, side by side, would go to lunch together, run errands together, shop together, celebrate birthdays together, and in one story he told me about that time they went on vacation together, post-break up. I started to notice how often he mentioned her and it began to annoy me.
On one date, they were texting back and forth. She had suggested a place for us to go. I immediately did not want to go to that place. It may seem petty but I did not want any association. Then, in passing, he mentioned that A was actually his ex-girlfriend, his first love, and that they had broken up because she wanted to get married and he wasn’t ready. So she married another man and had a baby with him. Also, I began to notice how A seemed to have a personal crisis going on every time PG and I were going to hang, or had plans. It seemed to happen every. single. time we had a date. And he was sensitive to her needs, which I appreciated, you know, if I wasn’t dating him.
At the first few mentions, I thought, How cool that this guy can be so mature and evolved by remaining friends with his ex! And then I started to wonder if maybe I was strange because I am not superclosebestfriendsforever with any of my exes. I had had a long-term relationship end not super long before this dating experiment and was brand new to the dating world after years of being coupled up, so I thought the dating landscape had changed, “Maybe everyone is superclosebestfriendsforever with their ex now!” I said to myself.
PG told me that his last relationship had ended because that girlfriend couldn’t “deal” with his “relationship with A.” And I thought, “You don’t say?”He seemed really confused and defensive about this fact.
The clencher was when PG told me that A’s husband, B, told PG that on the day A delivered their baby, B thought the baby looked like PG and it floored him, causing him pause. I had no idea why PG was telling me this, while we were on a date and I thought, “Why the fuck are you telling me this? This isn’t romantic! It’s not even normal! It’s creepy is what it is.” Sidenote to men: if you ever want to lose a woman’s interest fast, just tell a similar story. It is guaranteed to make her lady parts cover themselves and excuse themselves to the bathroom.
The best part is that he broke it off with me first. We had a long-distance situation and it wasn’t working for him and I immediately agreed though my reason was more of, “I can’t date you and A anymore. This threesome isn’t working for me.” She was very present the entire time we dated, on the phone, in text, in every conversation, and it truly feels like the three of us broke up when it happened. At first, I thought it was so neat how “evolved” he was for being super bff’s with his ex. But with time I realized this shit was not going to work for me. My dealbreaker is not dating a guy who is that close to his ex. It doesn’t work for me. Unless I want to have a threesome relationship. Which I don’t. I much prefer one-on-one.
I had consulted with a guy friend on this, someone I have known for awhile. Male and female friendships are said to get trickier as you get older (whoever They are, They say this) and I agree to an extent. But male and female friendships where you are superbestfriendsforeverwithyourex while dating someone new is a whole different ballgame. My friend told me essentially, “Hell to the No, Erica. It’s fucking weird.” When I tried to counter it by coming up with a “mature” or “evolved” excuse, he brought me back down to reality again and told me that it is “Just. Plain. Strange.” “All right. I’m convinced,” I responded.
What I learned from this is that I personally can’t do romantic relationships with someone who is that close to a former love. I understand being friendly and courteous with an ex, but my personal boundaries and values do not fall in line with this kind of relationship. So in the future, it is best for me to be involved with someone who is more aligned with my way of thinking on this subject.
So adios, to all the superbestfriendswithmyex guys.
Got to love the wonderful, strange world of dating.